


The Avengers Vs Twitter

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Stark Technologies, For All Your Text and E-mail Requirements [12]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, F/M, Humor, Humour, M/M, Stark Industries, Twitter, Twitter Fic, fury doesn't like europeans, loki is a tit, stark technologies, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 11:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers shouldn't be allowed to use Twitter. </p>
<p>Clint mistakenly believes he's been involved in a threesome. Tony doesn't want to be Lithuanian any more. Loki is drinking from the goblet of craziness. Fury is not paid enough for this shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers Vs Twitter

**TonyStarkAkaGod** It may have been five days since I last slept and 38 hours since I consumed anything other than coffee but I feel fiipg ds;kx;  
(647 Retweets)

**PepperPotx** @TonyStarkAkaGod Go to bed, Tony. The world will still turn without your tri-hourly witty updates.

**BAMFClint** @PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod Speak for yourself! I rely on Tony’s wit to get me through the day.

**BAMFClint** @PepperPotx @TonyStarkAkaGod Last week’s ‘#DontYouJustHateItWhen You can’t get to second base with your own reflection’? Story of my life!

**DeadlyNatasha** @BAMFClint Please don’t encourage him, Barton. Last time you did that, it took me a month to beat him down again.

**ThorButtockth** @TonyStarkAkaGod FRIEND TONY, ARE YOU UNABLE TO SLEEP? ALAS, I OFTEN FEEL THUS. I FIND THAT SACRIFICING OXEN CAN BE A MOST HELPFUL REMEDY!

**CaptainStRogers** @ThorButtockth Thor, last time you tried to cheer Bruce up, I was cleaning decomposing eyeball out of the linoleum for weeks. No butchery.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @Thor Buttockth Ignoring @CaptainStRoger’s rule about no cleavery without cleanery, could we just order some Asgardian mead again?

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @ThorButtockth Or draw pictures of @LovelyFury in compromising positions with various Kardashians and send them to SHIELD agents?

**LovelyFury** @TonyStarkAkaGod Have you checked your official identification documents today, Stark?

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @LovelyFury Nope. Already know my middle name is ‘Fabulous’. Why? Checked your username lately, Lovely?

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @LovelyFury FURY, WHY AM I GERMAN?!  
(968 Retweets)

**BAMFClint** @TonyStarkAkaGod The Fuhrer has spoken.

*

**IncredibleBruce** iojs;gejeg;kegje;lh

**IncredibleBruce** GTEWTHJ$OJ:

**IncredibleBruce** HP$£KHO^%£OT

**IncredibleBruce** E:OGWJT:O$O%^Y{^Hthor

**BAMFClint** @IncredibleBruce I like how the other guy’s tweets just look like @ThorButtockth sat on your keyboard.

**ThorButtockth** @BAMFClint HOW DID YOU KNOW?

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce WE HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED, FRIEND BRUCE!

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth ohh drear

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @IncredibleBruce @ThorButtockth Yeah, I hope you two are having fun while I try and work out how NOT to be born in Nuremberg.

**BAMFClint** @IncredibleBruce Oh God. Oh Lord. Oh Jesus. What did I just read? Did I just REPLY to that? Oh God. I was involved. We just had a threesome.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @BAMFClint I’d hardly call it a threesome, Barton. Bracket A was inserted into bracket B. Bracket C was not involved.

**BAMFClint** @TonyStarkAkaGod It was a threesome of the mind! I’m going to go and shoot something. Preferably @IncredibleBruce or @ThorButtockth.

**CaptainStRogers** @BAMFClint Calm down, Clint. You weren’t there. It doesn’t count. It was a private moment between two people.

**CaptainStRogers** @BAMFClint That was accidentally broadcast to the world via the inter-nets.

**BAMFClint** @CaptainStRogers How about you go into the kitchen and boil yourself up a nice, steaming hot cup of nope, Steve? YOU WEREN’T THERE

**DeadlyNatasha** @BAMFClint Neither were you.

**ThorButtockth** I CAN CONFIRM THAT ONLY TWO PEOPLE WERE PRESENT, OF WHOM ONE WAS MYSELF

**IncredibleBruce** I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.

**LovelyFury** Have I got to make some bitches Latvian?

*

**DeadlyNatasha** In light of recent events, I have been asked to post some professional messages that show SHIELD in a good light.

**DeadlyNatasha** I was given some prompt cards to use as reference. One simply read ‘efficient logistics department’.

**DeadlyNatasha** However, I didn’t think that would be very interesting, so I have come up with my own list of positive points about SHIELD.

**DeadlyNatasha** 1\. The coffee machine on the ground floor makes an excellent espresso.

**DeadlyNatasha** I hope these tweets have served to dissipate the current controversy about the sexual conduct of SHIELD agents.

**DeadlyNatasha** @BAMFClint, there is a tub of cream cheese frosting under my bed. Be here in five minutes. Bring your uniform.

*

Direct messages with > LovelyFury

**TonyStarkAkaGod** Fury, I don’t know what kind of sorcery this is, but I need to not be German now.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** You know I can just hack the mainframe and change it if I want to, right? I’d just rather not be put on the terrorist hit-list again.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** Last time that happened, I got a brand new wrinkle on my forehead and Steve had to kiss it better.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** This story will get progressively more explicit until you make me American again.

**LovelyFury** Check your record.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** Thank you, my optically, follically and socially challenged friend.

**LovelyFury** Absolutely no problem, Stark.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** I AM NOT LITHUANIAN, FURY!!

*

**TonyStarkAkaGod** I have been told that unless I make SHIELD look good, I will forever be a national of a small European country.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** This could be tricky. If SHIELD were a restaurant, it would serve despair for starters, orphan tears for main and no dessert.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** Well, they have a lovely lobby. Very baroque.

**LovelyFury** @TonyStarkAkaGod How do you like Belarus?

*

**ThorButtockth** I HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED THE MIDGARDIAN TRADITION YOU CALL ‘TROLLING’. I DO NOT SEE THE RELEVANCE TO THESE BRIDGE-DWELLING CREATURES.

**TheTrickyKing** How do you people survive in this world? It’s no wonder we gods forsake it. I cannot recall a time I enjoyed myself less.

**TheTrickyKing** I should set it alight just to watch it burn. It would at least bring some colour to proceedings.

**TheTrickyKing** Have you ever wondered what a dying kitten sounds like? I could tell you. In detail.

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth Your brother is showing the technique in its full glory right now. PS check your phone.

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce AS A FROST GIANT, IT IS TRUE THAT MY BROTHER IS MORE CLOSELY RELATED TO TROLLS. I HAVE CHECKED. YOU WISH ME TO VISIT YOU FOR INTERCOURSE.

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth Oh. No. I don’t.

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce BUT THAT IS WHAT THE MESSAGE READS

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth You mean the private message I sent to you and only you? That one?

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce AH. I SEE I HAVE MADE A GRAVE ERROR

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce WILL INTERCOURSE HELP?

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth Is Romney simply misunderstood?

**LovelyFury** @IncredibleBruce @ThorButtockth I am getting tired of being your public relations manager! My office. Ten minutes.

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce THAT DOES NOT LEAVE ADEQUATE TIME FOR COPULATION

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth Plenty of time to murder you and bury the body, though.

*

**TheTrickyKing** I despise all humans. You are like Asgardians, only pointless, ugly and misshapen.

**TheTrickyKing** Democracy is the fruit of idiocy.

**TheTrickyKing** @BarackObama It burns you to have come so close.

**CaptainStRogers** @TonyStarkAkaGod I have an idea. I think I can get you American again.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @CaptainStRogers As much as Lithuanian cuisine looks delectable, please enlighten me, my little ‘brangusis’.

*

**BAMFClint** I have been asked by @LovelyFury to assure my followers that SHIELD is a very professional organisation which never has threesomes, ever.

**BAMFClint** Although there was this one time with @LovelyFury and a Kardashian or two.  
(537 Retweets)

*

Direct messages with > ThorButtockth

**ThorButtockth** I CAN ONLY APOLOGISE. ASGARDIAN ETIQUETTE IS FAR REMOVED FROM THAT ON MIDGARD.

**IncredibleBruce** I’m not angry. Obviously. I’m not green. But for future reference? Other Midgardians will get creeped out.

**ThorButtockth** I UNDERSTAND. I WILL BE VERY DISCREET FROM NOW ON.

**IncredibleBruce** I somehow doubt that, but thanks for trying.

**ThorButtockth** IT IS ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM, FRIEND BRUCE!

**IncredibleBruce** Again, I doubt that.

*

**TheTrickyKing** I like green eggs and ham and genocide.

**TheTrickyKing** This realm is pathetic. I wish to crush it beneath my boot.

**TheTrickyKing** alicious ass

**TheTrickyKing** I did not type that, Midgardian scum!

**TheTrickyKing** Oh no, I seem to have split personalities :(((((

**TheTrickyKing** I do not!

**TheTrickyKing** But I do, really.

**TheTrickyKing** That is untrue.

**TheTrickyKing** Evidently not.

**TheTrickyKing** This is folly and madness!

**TheTrickyKing** Which I’m totally used to, of course. Just like failure and bad hair days.

**TheTrickyKing** I do not have to stand for this. I am a King! I am a God!

**TheTrickyKing** I am a petulant child with daddy issues and a penchant for tight leather chaps!

**TheTrickyKing** Midgardians are truly the scourge of the nine realms.

**TheTrickyKing** ‘Midgardians’ is my nickname.

**TheTrickyKing** _this account no longer exists_

*

**TonyStarkAkaGod** So, apparently, annoying an alien tyrant so much that he pisses back off to his own planet is enough to make me American again.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** #baskinginfreedom

**PepperPotx** @TonyStarkAkaGod #baskinginpaperwork so you’d better come down here right now!

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @PepperPotx NO, Pepper! As a free American, I reserve the right to say no!

**PepperPotx** @TonyStarkAkaGod Then I reserve the right to confirm the new Starkphone design in pink.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @PepperPotx I bet your mother was Finnish.

*

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @CaptainStRogers, you’re a genius and you have fantastic biceps and I am as naked as the day I was born right now. Fifth living room. 5mins.

**CaptainStRogers** @TonyStarkAkaGod Give me 10 and I’ll be there.

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @CaptainStRogers Oh, I’ll give you 10 all right.

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce LET US COPULATE ALSO!

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth Oh God. What did I just say half an hour ago?!

**ThorButtockth** @IncredibleBruce BUT FRIENDS TONY AND STEVE WERE VERILY BEHAVING THUS

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth They are not normal!

**IncredibleBruce** @ThorButtockth My lab, half an hour.

**BAMFClint** I AM GOING TO END IT ALL AND I AM TAKING YOU ALL WITH ME TO THE FOURTH CIRCLE OF HELL WHERE YOU BELONG FOR INFLICTING THIS UPON ME

**TonyStarkAkaGod** @LovelyFury Why am I Swedish again?!


End file.
